Tough Week

IMG_7510
I picture I took in early December... again nothing to do with the post. 

- My great uncle committed suicide last week. He took whatever caliber gun and shot himself. My mother explained that the week before he took his own life he was telling everyone and his wife how much he loved them. He was never a man of emotion. He was having physical health issues (he was 80 years old), they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him, he felt he couldn't live with the pain, and ended it. At first I was shocked... then I full out ugly-cried at work. A part of me feels it's such a selfish thing to do. Another part of me can sympathize, I think from one degree or another we have all felt despair. My heart breaks for him.

- A major winter ice storm has settled in. Starts Sunday evening and is lasting until Tuesday. I don't like to feel trapped anywhere. I certainly don't like using my days off work, unless absolutely necessary (as in: the kid is sick). Stillness has never been my strong suit. Mostly I just get cranky and spend too much time online.

- I HAD to delete Instagram for now. Ex drama... don't ask. I'm still on Snap Chat & Facebook though.

- I told myself I was going to start Project Life this year. I haven't taken enough photos the last two weeks to even make one small layout. Maybe I'll start it at the end of the month on my birthday and do it that way instead. Maybe I just won't do it at all. I started 2017 full of hope and expectation and the last two weeks have been beyond draining (and we are only 2 weeks in!) . I know, choose happier thoughts... I get it. 

- I've been hanging out with all my friends who I haven't really seen the last 3-4 months when I was otherwise entangled with the ex-boyfriend. It's been nice, but also like will my life ever evolve? (can you tell I'm having a existential crisis this week? lol). I won't over analyze all that right now. I really just want to feel at peace.

This weeks post is kind of bumming me out, so in the interest of not putting off all my readers I'll end it until next week. <3

That Toxic Relationship Life Tho

IMG_7641
This picture has nothing to do with anything... 

I said I wasn't going to talk about my relationships on the blog, but screw it. I won't get into the nitty-gritty details (or maybe I will a little), but lets just say I finally kicked it to the curb. I didn't shed a tear this time nor did I lose any sleep over it. All I can say is if you've broken up at least once a month since it started, he lies to you (no matter how insignificant), plays those games where he ignores you like he's 20 instead 30 years old... let that shit go. He's not changing and you can't encourage or fix it without losing your sanity too.  I don't care how old you are, you deserve to be adored. If the person doesn't even love them-self, they sure as hell won't know how to love you, but YOU have to love yourself to walk away and let it be.

Friends, co-worker, internet pals, my own mother have encouraged me to walk away from it for months. Why wouldn't I (you may wonder)? A) my kid loves him B) I was sleeping with him (tmi- but we're all grown here right? I hope...) - you tend to get a little attached- I recommend not doing that and C) I want to believe the best in people.

So yet after another tedious week in relationship-hell I had a panic attack at work just even thinking about home-boy, and I'm all "OKAY GOD I HEAR YOU" & ended it. He threw an adult-sized temper tantrum, and blocked me on all social media and than some. And I was like "Eh... that works". I guess even he knew I was serious this time..... or else he will try and reach out to me in a week or three. LOL either way, I'm coo.

So why even bring this all up? Mostly, because nothing else has been occupying my brain this week, and because it all relates to my word this year "Happy". Sometimes you have to re-evaluate things. Does your relationships (romantic or otherwise) make you happy? Do I get back what I give out? How do you feel when your with this person? Aside from attention, is there anything to lose from severing ties with this person?

Like my best friend told me: "all the red flags are up, have caught on fire, and are literally chasing you. RUN GIRL RUN!" :) I love her.

Lastly, if he ever gets mad at you because HE lied, and you caught him in it. Just spit in his face... honestly. He ain't shit or about shit. I think the most galling part is when he once told me "If someone lies to you, it's because they can't be real with themselves". I love sociopaths/narcissists whatever. <--- maybe I'm being a little extreme here. The thing is even after all that I don't hate him (I don't really respect him either though- who would?). Sometimes all you can do is forgive and let them go. Not to mention it was only 4 months ... it only felt like an eternity emotionally.

I promise to use more wisdom in the future. I'm also writing this as a reminder to myself ... in case I get a little lonely, or I get tunnel vision where I only remember the good and think it's wise to "forget" the BS... don't do it woman! 

Lets Get Happy

IMG_0017 - I took a break in December. I was going through a lot... mostly in my personal relationships. There were many times when I wanted to give a voice to what was happening, but ultimately decided to keep it to myself and off my website. Unless things get extra-serious I have vowed silence on relationships and dating.

- Last Monday I had promised myself I was going to stay home and get my house in order. I did anything but. I invited one friend out for lunch at Panera, hung out & had a long talk with another for a couple hours, and than decided to grab dinner & coffee with yet another. It was a busy day for me. Dominic was with his dad's people, so I kept busy with friends. My heart was very full that evening.

Dominic's father and I have become sorta friends this year too. I think sometimes extending friendship and kindness, no matter how undeserving can heal you in a way. It certainly beats hating him.

- People on the blog-o-sphere tend to be big on picking a word to focus on each year. I've never participated, but this year I feel a strong pull to do so. This year I am picking the word "happy". I wrote in another post last year that I was obsessed with people who are obsessed with doing everything to be happy. Last year was really shitty, and I really want to focus on happiness: from ridiculous things like how I dress, how I eat, routines, to more important things such as what I choose to ruminate about, how I react, financial stuff, etc.

- As a Christmas present to myself I bought this expensive planner. It's leather and looks like an adorable clutch- I HAD TO.  The inside are filled with pages  to help you achieve goals, break bad habits, reflect on the previous year, etc. I'm pretty excited to start using it. I figured since it's called "The Happiness Planner" it would go well with my 'word-of-the-year'.

- I had my first dentist appointment in almost 4 years.... because I'm disgusting irresponsible. Other than them having to use the hardcore water-pik, everything was legit. I also had them clean Dominic's teeth, his were in good shape too. HOWEVER, all his grown up teeth, keep coming behind his baby teeth, and he's what they call 'tongue-tied'. So now we have to go meet with an oral surgeon to get that snipped, and to knock out his baby teeth so his adult teeth push forward.

- I upgraded my iPhone 6 to 7. The battery life is much improved and the camera is dope. Other than that, it's the same stuff :) & apparently I'm digging "Rose Gold" colored everything lately.

- My New Years eve was nice. I went out to dinner at a pricey restaurant. We had split Dijon Chicken and this Caprese flatbread. Both were amazing. Afterwards we hung out at billiards place. He DJ'd I drank and social butter-flied. 

Thanksgiving & Other Stuff



- I hope you all had an enjoyable Thanksgiving. The day before my car just up and died on me. 1300+ dollars later... I was in my feelings. I went from no debt for years on end to almost 10k due to various appliances and other financial setbacks from the year. I stare at the number numbly, and ask myself why some people have it so easy, and how is it that I worked my ass for a degree, and shit like this still happens? 2016 has legit broke me in more ways than one. Maybe not as much as other people, but never the less I've never felt so defeated? Hopeless? I'm not sure what the word is. Which has mostly resulted in me throwing my hands in the air and saying "Fuck It!" because really who cares ?  <--- Glass half empty stuff right here.

- Oh so Thanksgiving day itself. It went how it normally does. My mom and I fuss and argue, and she gets mad /stressed out, than I proceed to ignore her which only makes her more angry. WHAT DO YOU WANT WOMAN ?! We will never ever be able to cook side by side and have it be an enjoyable experience. I've come to terms and she needs to. I love her to pieces, but there are some things we can't do together. Cooking is one of them. She gets bossy and I need my space. I look like her, but I am definitely my fathers child.

After we got over it and finally arrived at my uncle/aunts house... my parents and relatives all shared about their recent ailments. My 18 year old cousin got smothered by Dominic (I'd feel bad, but I needed the break), and I ate my food, sat in the corner watching TV in another room, and drank wine until I was inebriated and text messaged anyone who would answer back.

- A Year in the Life with Gilmore Girls is officially on Netflix. To say I am thrilled about this would be an understatement. I'm sure I'll have it completed in 4 days. Gilmore Girls was my absolute favorite show when I was growing up. Speaking of Netflix the new comedy show "Michael Che Matters" is HILARIOUS. It's crass though. . . so you've been warned.

- I got all my Christmas decorations up. I managed to only snap at Dominic once this year. PROGRESS. Every year I think "oh it'll be fun, we will listen to music, drink hot chocolate and put the tree up". Every year I forget about the music, I don't allow hot chocolate in the livingroom, and it's usually "Let me put the lights on the tree first!" "stop throwing the ornaments!" "Why would you do that?!" "Don't pull those out until I say so" "What did I just say ?!" ... It never occurs to me to just put up most of it while he's asleep, and let him put on like 5 the next day. Anyhoodle, this year went a little bit smoother thankfully.

- We went to the zoo Sunday morning/early afternoon. We haven't gone in a few months. It was cold so there was hardly anyone there. Dominic enjoyed learning the names of every animal, I enjoyed taking far too many photos. During our time there it started storming, but fortunately we had gone through most of it before that happened. It was nice being able to spend the day doing something fun together. 
© - Emily Jane -. Design by Fearne.